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  • Writer's pictureFriedhelm (Counsellor)


Updated: Apr 4, 2019

Research indicate that jealousy stems from threats to self-esteem. The fear that someone we love may desert us for a rival. (Why jealousy is linked to honor, respect and aggression). It is the result of a reduction of what we believe about ourselves. Such an inner dialogue leaves us with feelings of insecurity, fear and doubt.

Jealousy, if not checked, is like a fewer ever climbing higher until dangerous levels are reached. Peaks in jealousy can threaten any relationship. Everybody has, if not experienced this personally, at least seen this phenomenon in others. How the temperature has risen to a critical level and the damage it had caused. Furthermore jealousy is often like a hidden monster that only shows its ugly head at the last moment before the destruction starts.

How do we get the temperature down when jealous-fever becomes dangerously high?

The hardest thing for people to accept, is that one cannot control this feeling by controlling someone “outside” of you like your spouse or your lover. Most people though try so hard and keep on trying in the believe that this should eventually make the bad feeling go away.

I can assure you, it won’t. The road you’re on, taking on the role of either policeman or detective, is a slippery road spiraling downwards into the abyss. With every step you take in that direction you will feel worse. With it will come delusions which you will believe as the holy truth until your mind and behavior is obsessed with: ”I will catch the cheating liar red handed.”

The monster is not outside. It is inside. These are your feelings. These feelings are caused by your thoughts and strengthened by your own actions. Even when people realize this, they suggest ways of countering the problem which make me giggle. They say: do exercises; go to the gym; love yourself; treat yourself; appreciate what you have; push yourself harder etc. I can’t help but thinking that these proposals will never work for me. So I suggest that you consider the following:

I once had a client who raved for hours on end over his wife whom he suspected had an affair. He just could not stop himself. His jealous-fever was high. He shared with me thoughts of doing something really bad. There was no evidence of infidelity and I eventually gave up trying to talk some sense into him. He suddenly collapsed into a chair totally exhausted. After a period of silence he sighed, relaxed and uttered these funny (in the circumstances) but very powerful words:

“Friedhelm I just realized, that my wife’s body part (I’m rephrasing)- if she did had sex with this guy - is not spent.”

What an insight. You get this? In a love relationship, our concern should not be about a part of the body? Our arguments should not be based around sexual organs or sex. It should be about obtaining possession of the heart (figuratively speaking). It is a fallacy to think that if one has taken possession of a part of a body, now that person belongs to you. Now he or she wants to stay with you or will love you.

I imagine that is the perspective when God looks at us. We all sin so often in the body. But God so graciously forgives us. He calls us back home. The condition being that we love Him. That we give our hearts to Him. That we make a commitment to love Him. Isn't it?

In any case. What is more boosting to your self-esteem than someone who comes back to you even after he or she had an affair? Don’t you see? You have won. You are the one who is preferred. You are the chosen one. Permit your soul to rejoice in this truth. It will change your mood.


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