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  • Writer's pictureFriedhelm (Counsellor)


Updated: Feb 4, 2019

In a song this question was answered with another question? “How can you stop the rain from falling down?” In other words mending a broken heart is impossible. It can’t be done. It is like a beautiful vase that fell and has shattered into pieces. You can glue it back together but it will never be the same again.

Anybody who had their heart truly broken, will attest to this truth. You are not the same person afterwards. Something is lost and something has changed. There is no such thing as “closure” in the sense of everything is restored as things were before. We cannot forget what was or what happened. We cannot erase human memory like that. You will not have “no feelings” for the person who broke your heart. To expect to have “no feelings” for your ex is a lie and a false confession and an act of denial. It is furthermore unfair of your present lover to demand or expect this. (The same dynamic, memory and emotions are involved when losing a child). Thus “closure” only means we have dealt with our loss, we are through the grieving process and are ready to go on living and loving again. The mind and energy is no longer trapped in the past. We have control again over our emotions and thoughts. A prominent results of a broken heart, is the emotional chaos which follows. It leaves us in a state where we are possessed by intense feelings and overwhelming emotions. Adding to the problem, is that these strong feelings fluctuate and change often. The result therefore is that this emotional roller coaster or unbalanced emotional state makes normal functioning very difficult. One just cannot go on as before. It is like the notes of a piano which are suddenly all played at the same time. It causes a chaotic disturbance in our minds, it interferes with our ability to think properly. Your emotions are "at sea,"crushing over you driven by powerful winds. The only important thing is to try to hold on and keep alive. For storms do pass. Waters do get calm again.

Contrary to what you may believe, the one who broke your heart, cannot heal it again. He or she can only supply the best circumstance for your healing. Often the one hurt makes constant demands to one who transgressed, believing that this will take the feeling of insecurity away. This is a mistake. That person cannot heal your heart. To make your own healing dependent on the behavior of someone who already has disappointed and failed you, is in any case, unwise. Compliance with the demands of an aggrieved spouse will not restore emotional balance. The opposite is true. The goalposts will be constantly moved until both partners give up trying. The culprit is not able to please the spouse ever and it does not sooth the emotions either for the other.

The spouse cannot act as healer. He or she is facing his or her own demons. At this juncture there is often by both a willingness to be challenge and a commitment to change hurtful behavior.

Professional help is the better choice. There are things you can do to speed up your healing. There are exercises to calm the emotions. Don't underestimate professional help. Even when you decide to leave the relationship or get a divorce, it is vital to explore why things went wrong. Do it for your own sake. The healing of your soul is even more important that any relationship you may have. For marriage is a temporary arrangement. It will pass. Your soul lives for ever.


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