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  • Writer's pictureFriedhelm (Counsellor)


There are three exercises that will help getting your emotions balanced again. That is, if you can get yourself so far to do them properly and repeat them regularly when panicky.

1. Make a list of all the negative traits of your ex (or deceased spouse). All his or her flaws or defects.

Try to remember what stress and unhappiness these defects have caused you in the past or probably would have caused you in a relationship in the future.

The rationale behind this exercise is the possibility that you have idolized or romanticized your ex, (deceased or cheating spouse). That you falsely believe that the person you have lost is irreplaceable. But what if you don’t see the real picture? That the real person you actually should grieve over, is or was somewhat less perfect as it is imagined in your mind? The fact that your ex left you (worse if for someone else) should give you an indication. Doesn’t it?

There is a direct correlation between die pain we feel and the value we attach to the person we lose. The higher we rate a person, the greater or more intense the pain we feel.

2. Make a list of the advantages your new situation presents.

There will be quite a few if you allow yourself to think about it. Ponder on things you now can do and enjoy but could not before. Options you now can explore but did not have before. Opportunities not available before but now they are.

The rationale is that if one sees a balanced picture in your mind, that is, you see both the disadvantages as well as the advantages, your emotions will follow suite and also get balanced.

3. Sometimes a heart is broken but the spouse who caused the pain, is still there, in your face every day. There is no ex. There is no Mexit (marriage exit). Both partners have decided to stay in the marriage and are trying (struggling?) to mend the relationship. Oh what a challenge. Oh what pain (for both) trying somehow to live within and through this emotional unstable period. For trust is broken, anger, mistrust, fear or jealousy are all part of most conversations.

What will not work at all and rather heighten the state of anxiety, anger, fear or jealousy and prolong the agony, is the following:

- To try and get answers like "Why...?" from your spouse. (No cognitive engagement will

help to calm the emotions).

- To become an investigator or policeman who tries to find evidence of infidelity.

- To become the subtle interrogator who double checks every word.

- To try and become in some way like the woman or man your spouse chose.

Is there an exercise to assist the one betrayed? An exercise to help balance the emotions and get some control back? You probably won’t like this, but this is the right way to go. Some medicine is bitter I agree but this is the remedy.

The following should become your daily inner dialogue. These are the words, the "bitter" decision you must make: (Only to yourself in an effort to get control over your emotions).

a) I (name) decide to allow you (the spouse) to chose whatever you want. I give you the freedom to decide for yourself what you want to do.

b) Until there is actual (indisputable) prove of infidelity, I will treat you as if you are not guilty. I will remind myself that you are not guilty. You have done nothing wrong even when others think or say you are wonderful. I will handle you with love, respect and honor. That is what you and I also deserve.

The rationale behind this decision is:

- To watch or control your spouse for 24 hours a day is impossible.

- This provides the best chance for the restoration of the marriage.

- This will speed up the healing of your own soul.

- This prohibits that you yourself destroy the marriage with a self-fulfilling prophecy.

- “Sins” like these, always come to light (with people, the devil, and God involved).

- God is on your side. He is also the best person to judge (and punish). You are not.

Please give it a try. It works. If you find it difficult, go seek professional help for your own sake.


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