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  • Friedhelm (Counsellor)

DON'T YOU GET IT?

Updated: Jan 31, 2019

When you hear someone say: "I trust nobody," all alarm bells should go off. It's like saying:

"I have stopped eating altogether, for I believe this step will keep me healthy."


To not trust anybody, by logic implication, makes any love relationship impossible. Trust is a basic ingredient we need, to make a love relationship work. Often people who utter these words will afterwards try to soften the effect and point out, that this though, does not include their spouse.


That does not fool a trained ear. It rather gives an indication of the progression of the sickness. It indicates that the next tie of intimacy to be cut, is precisely with the spouse. He or she is probably already feeling that affect and intimacy has for all practical purposes ceased already. There is no or little emotional connection left.


What becomes visible when hearing words like: “I don’t trust people,” is the unassimilated and suppressed trauma which was followed by an irrational decision to always handle this type of situation in a certain way. The method chosen, is to keep all people at a distance (where they can’t hurt you again) and the motivation for this self-deceiving action, is the false premise that all people will hurt you. All people are bad, mean and have a selfish agenda. You should not allow people close to you. It is dangerous.

The opposite is true. This false belief is dangerous. The problem is that the corresponding behaviour will eat up all your friends and in the end devour also the relationships of all the people closest to you. It robs you of all intimacy with people. It cuts you off from all real love, support and joy.


It all starts by chasing people away who are not really connected to your life and whom you don’t need. However, have a closer look at what happens over the years. This tendency never stops. The number of people inside the circle called “my friends”, becomes ever smaller, the people trusted, ever fewer. There is always some reason why they are now too, barred from your life. The last stop before starting removing your family from your heart is to only have followers or supporters, "groupies" who idealize you, who you can control but keep at a distance.


To select friends and build relationships with people who have the same values us you is a wise move. To select no one is foolish. It means you have stopped eating altogether.


Do you recognize this regression? Even when people acknowledge this, they argue that they do not need anybody anyway. This state of affairs is sad and tragic. What you are left with in the end, is only your family. No, what you are left with, is only your spouse. NO, DON’T YOU GET IT? What you are left with, when this all has played out, is you. Just you. You alone. You with yourself.


How are you planning to chase yourself away? It is predictable. You will live superficial and shallow. Not in contact or harmony with your inner self. No intimacy at all. Not even with yourself.


But wait. There's more. Those who hit rock bottom have found a wonderful substitute for physical human contact and intimacy. When getting the chance they can't wait to run to a private and secluded place away from all people. There, alone with their smartphones they throw themselves into typing like crazy. For hours on end. Click, click, click, eyes riveted on the screen. Irritated when anyone tries to interrupt. This is the new and modern way to connect with people. People whom most will never meet in real life or don't care to visit either. A new addiction is born. Behaviour in a marriage is becoming reset. When it’s time for intimacy: "Please dear, would you mind closing the door. No my dear, I mean from the outside."


Still don’t get it? Not to worry. Life has a way to force you to reconsider.



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