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  • Friedhelm (Counsellor)

DID NOT SEE THIS COMING?

Updated: Jan 26, 2019


This picture illustrates what most people discover after the wedding and honeymoon when normal life as a couple begins. There are not so wonderful aspects of our spouses' personality which we suddenly become aware of for the first time. Beliefs, behaviour, manners and attitudes we did not expect and did not contemplate. When we romanticise love we tend to drift away from reality. Have a good look, this picture represents all kinds of marriage problems.

The real question is: Why didn't you see this coming? The answer lies in the fact that we did not look properly. We did not want to. So we never took a good hard look at the whole picture. Mesmerized by his or her good qualities, beautiful figure or wonderful traits, we were not able to see the flaws. Even when people tried to draw our attention to this, for they could see them, we rejected the notion of such a possibility out of hand. Sometimes a soft inner voice tries to warn us, but that too, we ignore.


When we have to face reality that our marriage and our partner is not so perfect as we pretended what are we to do? The answer is not to reproach or blame. Your spouse has probably the same problem with you. At this juncture couples often start a pattern of blaming and shaming the other and communication starts to break down. The "in love" feeling disappears and we convince ourselves that we have to find another love.


This moment rather present a wonderful opportunity to do what we should have done in the first place, that is to discuss and negotiate all aspects of our relationship and marriage. How did we miss this step anyway? For everything else important to us we are prepared to negotiate. For the most important impact and change in our lives though, we rather kiss and keep kissing instead. And this we do (have you noticed) till the wedding day which means we literally can't talk.

People just don't negotiate and prepare for their lives together. And then one day tragically, often long after the wedding, you hear the feared words: "We got to talk." Now, that there is damage done, now, we got to talk. Really?


On the upside: Becoming aware of your significant other's flaws and shortcomings does help

with grieving for the loss of a spouse. If he or she walks out on you and leaves you behind, make a list of all of his or her defects and weaknesses. See them for what they are, bad. Remind yourself that that is the person who rejected you. That will break the power of all misplaced romantic feelings for your ex and will empower you to let it go. You deserve better, don't you?


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