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  • Writer's pictureFriedhelm (Counsellor)


Updated: Feb 6, 2019

There are certain unhealthy behavior patterns that will guarantee long-term failure in marriage. These patterns have to be confronted. Failing to do so will result in a failed marriage. At the very least an unhappy marriage.

These devastating behavior patterns in marriage are in random order, one as deadly as the next.

1. My spouse has bad motives.

This assumption implies that the spouse is the enemy. He or she wants to harm you. For instance the annoying habits of the spouse are perceived as acts of defiance and willful attempts to upset the spouse and are done on purpose. He or she does not listen to you or ignores your requests for he or she intentionally and willfully rejects you. Not doing what is asked is interpret as an act of blatant disrespect and it has to be challenged immediately and head on.

Constant angry reactions to such occurrences reveal this hidden detrimental stance. Frequent attacks and aggression depletes happiness. It replaces love bit by bit. It eventually reduces the marriage to a battle ground. Constant fighting will surely destroy what is left of love in your marriage.

2. My happiness depends on what my spouse does. If he or she does what he or she should do, I will be happy. (But he or she does not and that is why I am unhappy).

It is a fallacy that another person can make you happy. Happiness, contentment and peace are all part of who we are. It is part of our formed personality even before we get married.

Self-esteem and self-worth is built up by a functional parent. It is not dependent on finding someone later on in life or acquiring material things like status or money. Of course a happy marriage, a good partner or money will contribute to a feeling of happiness. But so will you feel when it is your birthday or the holiday starts. This sort of happiness is a temporary feeling connected to a specific occasion. When it passes the happy feeling leaves too. This type of happiness is more an emotional high induced by a fix. It functions like a drug. That is why it has to be repeated and increased to produce the same effect.

To improve inner happiness though, one has to go inside, not seek it outside somewhere.

A typical example of the dependent spouse is the extremely jealous or clingy spouse. The problem is not so much that you don’t acknowledge your spouse as an individual entitled to live his or her life but the false assumption that you cannot live or be happy without him or her. Codependency (and the consequent behavior), kills many relationships. It strangles the marriage to death.

3. Intimacy and fusion are identical. Intimacy should result in fusion.

It is utter nonsense that when we are intimate or having a sexual relationship, it should lead to a condition where we “fuse” and become one in what we want, desire, like, feel, think, value, prefer, in methods, in taste etc. No, intimacy in love does not mean fusing identities. Intimacy should in stead lead to compromise, sacrifice, living together, doing things together, but not becoming the same person.

The symbolic gesture at wedding ceremonies where the flame of two candles are extinguished and a new one is lit, does not have the focus on the candle (or body) but

on the flame. It symbolizes a combined love energy now burning as one in a new form.

Thus to try and change your spouse to become your clone, alike in mind, emotions and behavior is not only selfish but unjust. It is a demand that even you yourself are not willing to entertain. When the giving up of the freedom to be yourself is enforced by a spouse, it constitutes abuse.

Abuse has the potential to end a marriage. It often takes just a little bit longer till the penny drops.


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