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  • Writer's pictureFriedhelm (Counsellor)


Updated: Jan 24, 2019

There are some things couples do when they fight heavily which are totally useless and time wasting. We try to get our viewpoint or beliefs across by loudly and relentlessly arguing a point trying to overpower the other and in so doing change their thinking and behavior. To make them think and do as we do. It often ends up in a situation where both just keep on shouting at each other profanities. That’s good TV. That is entertaining but only as long as you are a spectator.

Disrespectful arguing or fighting is not only futile but it will also lead to alienation and emotional distance between lovers. Nevertheless we get suckered in. We just can’t help it. We are seemingly unable to just relax and let things be or just listen without reacting strongly. Have you noticed? Couples don’t bond when they argue. You won’t see someone happy and loving after her or his spouse “won” an argument.

So why do we do that then? There are (if not driven by unresolved trauma) two false premises underlying this behavior:

1. Clearly our aggressive action or reaction is based on the false premise that this is the way to go. This is what we got to do to make things better, to make things right or safe. This is what will work.

Yet we realize our premise can’t be true by asking the questions experts like putting to their clients having problems in their love life: “And how does that work for you? If that worked for you in your marriage why are you here? What do you need me for then? Why not carry on doing what you always do?”

2. Clearly our aggressive action or reaction is based on the false belief that we have the main problem or issue in our sight. We believe falsely we are tackling the main issue, that our aim is dead on the true target. If we can solve this problem, our relationship problems are solved. Never contemplating that we are only dealing with the surface manifestations of the problem. Believing if we silent our partner’s voice, if we make the external and visible disappear, it’s plain sailing ahead.

What you actually did was switching off the warning lights and silencing the alarm that tries to point you in the direction of the real thread. Surely for a short period it will seem as if everything is under control again. Until it is not.

There is a moment where you should consider to stop. Stop and think. Stop and watch. Stop and notice. Stop and meditate. Stop and learn. Stop. Just stop. Stop is a good thing when it is unsafe to drive.


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