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  • Friedhelm (Counsellor)

AFFAIR REPAIR


There is a good chance that your marriage will be threatened by a midlife-crisis. This is so because in the earlier years we conform to the values and comply with the expectations of our caregivers and mentors. This creates a false perception of who we really are. The pressure from outside sources forces the young individual to project a personality in line with what is demanded. After the early years, in the young adult life, we have a busy schedule leaving little room for soul searching and self-exploration. We “have to” prepare and find a job or build a career, find a suitable partner and get married, find a place to live, get kids and raise them etc. The first opportunity to explore who we really are and what we (the ego) really wants normally arises around age 35. This is the moment things often go wrong. This is the time most extra marital affairs happen.


For many important reasons it is in the majority of such cases the better choice to repair the marriage. Not least of all, is the Biblical standpoint regarding divorce. What is needed to have a chance of repairing a relationship after infidelity? Experts believe the following is essential:


1. Do the basic correctional steps. (SOS):


1) To be truly SORRY for causing the pain and learn to understand why it happened.

2) To OWN the transgression unconditionally. No attempt of rationalizing anything at all.

3) To SACRIFICE whatever is needed creating the best opportunity for healing and restoring trust.


2. Start communication that will result in emotional bonding. (The 3-step ladder to love):

1) Learn to listen to what the spouse’s real concerns are.

2) Try to understand and validate his or her feelings in the circumstances.

3) Help your spouse by making it better through adhering to his or her requests. The key is: Find the unmet need and fill it.


3. Introduce seductive messaging. (Positive reinforcement)

- "I have learned that you are the one I want to be with."

- "It is you who have caused me to see the error of my ways."

- "You make me a better person."

- "You are perfect and I want all to see this."


May be the message that will have the strongest effect is an honest heart felled statement like:

"I need urgent professional help. I need to make sure I do understand why I did this, so it does not happen ever again." For good measure add: "I need to do this for myself not only for the sake of our marriage." Or: "Do you know someone?" Or: "Please be so kind and make an appointment for me."


Remember that if you want to get what you want, you got to give what your spouse wants. Think of a transaction. There is give and take involved. You can only take when you are willing to give.

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